regrets...

is it wrong to regret on some things you've done before?

i sometimes think that i should have not get a good score on my first sem, i regret because i hate how people would presume me that i am so good. i hate the feeling of people expecting me to do good in what i do.. it consumes me, it hurts me so bad that i in fact know that i am not that perfect that i do make mistakes.. i hate it so much.. i wanted to do whatever i would love to do and having people to presume me to do something like that, i really really feel uneasy..

maybe it is just me thinking this, but then i am a person who think a lot about people surrounding me and it affects me so bad.. for instance, a person would tell, i expect you to do better then this, taking from your past result, you are a great student, and why? why do you get something so mediocre like this?

i think too much that i made myself to believe that am i that good, will i be able to past myself? deep inside, i am scared, scared to face the fact that i am really losing it.

i am searching what is so different in me today and before, did something lost in the middle of everything?

i think i did lost something, my focus is somewhat shifting, on something. guess i have to put the focus i have before to make myself much more stronger!

well is it a new leaf??

hehee... would u??

the worst just happen to me... i kinda think that i am losing it... anyway... i really don't think that it matters anyway, guess the first time is pure luck... sometimes i do question myself whether i am worth it or not...

people keep on judging that they think they get the whole picture of who i am and reality is they don't wahahaha...

i really like to do something so out of the ordinary but then again i am just some plain ol' joe who think he knows everything that everyone would just say okay great he done it too... hahaha...

if this matter continue to happen, what would i do anyway, is it normal to feel like you are so down and wanting not to care anymore? what happen happened i guess and there is no turning back. the person i am today.. i do self doubt myself, i wanted to make something that sometimes i feel very out of reach and would i be able to do so..??

and you know what, i guess i am the type who would write what so ever depending on the mood that i am in an thus some people would question what the heck is he trying to convey...

watching and using too much internet suddenly made me realize that we are so consumed with what we think so cool.. well not forgetting that we are so into to make people think that we are so good in everything including giving opinion and thus giving people the benefit of the doubt after reading any comment that been posted... :) at first i am too trying too give opinion but then again i must have my own ways of saying so and sometimes it is inappropriate that made me to be more quiet..

still who am i to say right?

something stupid.

well its me again, has not been writing for some time due to being busy doing something else. well of course tomorrow would be the result day and i am here, still awake thinking on how is my performance during my last semester, i just could not put it to a clear picture, but it seems that i am losing my touch, have i been playing too much, or because i am not that bright.

you know what, as much as i know, i have been trying too hard but then again i got lost in the middle and doing something else. is it my fault for not getting a good result, i just don't know. i did my best doing all the works that is so important and still my it is mediocre. what the heck..

what i am afraid the most is that i got left in behind of my friends. all of them seems to be doing fine but me, but why? am i one less then them? what makes them so different from me that they are good than me?

i have been trying to find the great formula to get the best of me and as an example, last semester, i lost it, my pointer gone down and i felt really down. why? some parts of me says that its all my fault for not doing as good as i could but then, did everyone put their expectation too high for me and demand me that i MUST do great in all the exam that i enter. i hate the feeling of loser.

as much as i may not look competitive, i too felt a bit down when some of my fellow friends got much better grades than me. it kept me thinking, have i been playing too much that i did not read all the things i should read?

but why? is my brain smaller than theirs? i do have the same brain but then, what affects me is that i have the tendency to forget everything as if i could not register all of the information that i get straight to my brains. the folders just keep deleting itself without any of my permission and that sucks! so bad...... i am not a super human that have a photographic memories and can remember all the things they saw once they read it. i did read it all...

i just wish that i can get good grades thou. i really really, really need it so bad!

i sometimes question myself, why are you doing this to yourself? you got so many things to prove and then u got so carried away and starting to loose focus? is that so? i am not the person i am when i first entered there! what the heck... it seems that i need to rearrange myself more there the next time i went there okay! just remember that.