regrets...

is it wrong to regret on some things you've done before?

i sometimes think that i should have not get a good score on my first sem, i regret because i hate how people would presume me that i am so good. i hate the feeling of people expecting me to do good in what i do.. it consumes me, it hurts me so bad that i in fact know that i am not that perfect that i do make mistakes.. i hate it so much.. i wanted to do whatever i would love to do and having people to presume me to do something like that, i really really feel uneasy..

maybe it is just me thinking this, but then i am a person who think a lot about people surrounding me and it affects me so bad.. for instance, a person would tell, i expect you to do better then this, taking from your past result, you are a great student, and why? why do you get something so mediocre like this?

i think too much that i made myself to believe that am i that good, will i be able to past myself? deep inside, i am scared, scared to face the fact that i am really losing it.

i am searching what is so different in me today and before, did something lost in the middle of everything?

i think i did lost something, my focus is somewhat shifting, on something. guess i have to put the focus i have before to make myself much more stronger!

well is it a new leaf??

hehee... would u??

the worst just happen to me... i kinda think that i am losing it... anyway... i really don't think that it matters anyway, guess the first time is pure luck... sometimes i do question myself whether i am worth it or not...

people keep on judging that they think they get the whole picture of who i am and reality is they don't wahahaha...

i really like to do something so out of the ordinary but then again i am just some plain ol' joe who think he knows everything that everyone would just say okay great he done it too... hahaha...

if this matter continue to happen, what would i do anyway, is it normal to feel like you are so down and wanting not to care anymore? what happen happened i guess and there is no turning back. the person i am today.. i do self doubt myself, i wanted to make something that sometimes i feel very out of reach and would i be able to do so..??

and you know what, i guess i am the type who would write what so ever depending on the mood that i am in an thus some people would question what the heck is he trying to convey...

watching and using too much internet suddenly made me realize that we are so consumed with what we think so cool.. well not forgetting that we are so into to make people think that we are so good in everything including giving opinion and thus giving people the benefit of the doubt after reading any comment that been posted... :) at first i am too trying too give opinion but then again i must have my own ways of saying so and sometimes it is inappropriate that made me to be more quiet..

still who am i to say right?

something stupid.

well its me again, has not been writing for some time due to being busy doing something else. well of course tomorrow would be the result day and i am here, still awake thinking on how is my performance during my last semester, i just could not put it to a clear picture, but it seems that i am losing my touch, have i been playing too much, or because i am not that bright.

you know what, as much as i know, i have been trying too hard but then again i got lost in the middle and doing something else. is it my fault for not getting a good result, i just don't know. i did my best doing all the works that is so important and still my it is mediocre. what the heck..

what i am afraid the most is that i got left in behind of my friends. all of them seems to be doing fine but me, but why? am i one less then them? what makes them so different from me that they are good than me?

i have been trying to find the great formula to get the best of me and as an example, last semester, i lost it, my pointer gone down and i felt really down. why? some parts of me says that its all my fault for not doing as good as i could but then, did everyone put their expectation too high for me and demand me that i MUST do great in all the exam that i enter. i hate the feeling of loser.

as much as i may not look competitive, i too felt a bit down when some of my fellow friends got much better grades than me. it kept me thinking, have i been playing too much that i did not read all the things i should read?

but why? is my brain smaller than theirs? i do have the same brain but then, what affects me is that i have the tendency to forget everything as if i could not register all of the information that i get straight to my brains. the folders just keep deleting itself without any of my permission and that sucks! so bad...... i am not a super human that have a photographic memories and can remember all the things they saw once they read it. i did read it all...

i just wish that i can get good grades thou. i really really, really need it so bad!

i sometimes question myself, why are you doing this to yourself? you got so many things to prove and then u got so carried away and starting to loose focus? is that so? i am not the person i am when i first entered there! what the heck... it seems that i need to rearrange myself more there the next time i went there okay! just remember that.

A Short as i can be

whether to lie or not, i guess i am obliged to what i think right.. sometimes i blame it on my instinct in doing such stupid action, but then again u like it so much. u like it that u hate it sometimes, how easily u would be falling for that, but why? is that my weakness, i am easy to be used?

i have to admit i sometimes put my friends first and without even thinking in what the outcome would be, but i loved them so much, guess that is how friends works, you gain some and then u lose some right?

i am thankful, so thankful that i manage to meet as much people as i travel to different places, it really opens my eye towards some issues that i think would be hard to be discuss in my place. but come to think, the reason is because most of the are youngsters that are open to everything and some of the people there are just the same as in my place, so its more to like meeting with person that is on the same boat as you are.

dear friends, i know i have not been contacting you lately, but yeap that is who i am, i am the one who is lazy to text and yeap i rarely got any text from you guys too.. so in a way it is fair right? hehehehe :D, no hard feeling guys, i still love the whole lot of you and hopefully we will meet... :D

hello world.... hehehe.

it has been months since my entry on my blog..

haven't got the time to put my mind on a form of words... but yeap.. here i go...

it shocked how many people are using facebook right now... but it really happen.. guess people really got into what they call globalization, the world become smaller, and people can be connected on the tip of their finger... wow. fun.. even in my place. i can say almost 60-70 percent of the people are using facebook, ranging from 16-40++ years old.. i felt very odd about this, it seems that facebook is sweeping the nation. even i myself have to admit that i am a facebook freak.

facebook is addicting... everyone at any age really can find something to relate to this social network. guess facebook have their strength and all. what i got bored about what happening to my facebook, is that people are really spoken to their words out, and for me, my facebook are for fun and connecting with people who knows me.

i got so bored of reading all the so called comment that is so "informative" and all.. its just not me, hahahaha, i really don't get it why must they get so serious about all of this, everything is just fine for me... :D

btw i love u guys!!! cheers and stay connected to facebook :D.. stay cute!!!!

If i must say

Well to start things off, I am getting so much busy lately, with my club’s activity and all… omg, and what I hate the most is that, I’m starting to question myself. Am I being true to myself lately? I realized that I am starting to play a lot, distracted by time and the urges of getting an instant pleasure that suddenly when I realized it; it is too late for me to turn back.
Never intended to be like that, but I am the type of person who really like to be pleasing myself and after that, will ask himself, what is the point anyway? Still I have a lot of fun I must say.
Question, how far do you know me as a person? Did I relate to your life? Did I do something that could change the course of your life? Have I affected you somehow?
I have to say, after leaving Ranau, I have met with a lot of different people, that in my point of view are very colorful, so much so that each of them really bring something to the table. Sometimes it gets me so much, but most of the time, it was happiness when they are around.
Or maybe because they’re the one who changed me to become someone who is different from who I am before, a shy person who would only talk to his close netted friends. I love everyone! No matter where you guys are right now, you’re the best!!! Hehehe
I remembered a scene in Grey’s Anatomy, where it talks about, how people would grow up and would find their own sets of friends, their “tribe” the one who understands them, so much that they know and would love to share a bit of their hearts and would believe in whatever you’re doing. Have I found mine? That is the question, and my answer would be I guess I’m in the midst of searching. But I love them so much! Friendship comes and goes, and I am cherishing all of this moment right now. In the hope that they would be same also, let’s get together!

Friends, I am wishing all of you, a Happy Eid Mubarak, I love you guys!!!

if i could only smile...

i don't know if jealousy is something that is bad nor good..
dubbed as one of the deadly sins.. guess god created it for a reason.
i don't whether to label myself as one, but then again, i am admitting that i am one jealous person.. just don't know..

owh ya.. i forgot.. last night, was my meeting with all the old komed members.. come to think about it again. i quite suprise that i myself not that keen on being the YDP and stuff, although all the juniors are eager to be one.. hehehe good for the..

the funny thing is that.. i don't know, but they looked so rehearsed, that this one girl.. said.. something about... "tipu lah if they said that they don't one to be YPD" but then again, yeap u'll always will hear people using that words.. but its kinda bored... yeah it is true, but do you really have to say that? guess not right?

Oh gosh, does that counts as trashing other people? sorry dear it's just what i think and i don't think it is bad.. just that... it gets me sometimes...... and someone said again, i am so close with all my batch, the thing is we were in the different class, and if i could only be on the same class with them i would love to work with them... awww.. such sweet words..... but reality is so good to be true.. not all people would love to work with you,

even me myself.. i don't think that so many people would eager to be in the same group as i do.. guess what.. the world does not revolves on us... sometimes all the "i can do it, i would do better" just don't work when the whole world are against you...

so in advance i would love to say, i'm sorry if this thing that i said somehow made you feel angry.....

but i think, this is my way of saying to myself to be much more better and try to reevaluate myself to be much more better....

p/s, gosh.. would you believe it!! last month i just got a year older... 22 years old already.. hahahaha... lame... and i am still acting as if i am 17... hehehe.. guess you inner-self really stay young for a long time is it??